I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
