He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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