I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
