Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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