i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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