Your dad touched me again.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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