I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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