Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
