When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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