good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
