i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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