She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
