i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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