So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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