just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
