If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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