Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
