I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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