I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
