I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
