the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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