nut hugger
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
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