I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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