She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
