For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
