Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
