I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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