4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
