You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
