she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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