even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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