Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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