I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
