I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
