Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
