how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
