I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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