the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
