So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
