After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
