Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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