So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
