You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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