y did u give ur computer a hand job?
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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