I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
