Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
soo... how was my night?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
