please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
someone owes me an orgasm
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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