4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
