they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
