A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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