Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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