What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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