is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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