don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
