The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
